I should have wished upon a star..

All of my life I have had a very clear image of the kind of “love” that one day I would only hope to find. Most people say that a movie kind of love doesn’t exist but I’ve spent most of my life believing that I could indeed find a forever fairytale kind of love in the real world. However, over the past few months I have slowly convinced myself that I was wrong.

**Standing on the edge of the water… hearing, seeing, feeling… With the rush of the water in the background you guide me through the dark, my heart racing, barefoot in the water… I hold onto you tightly and I am carefree like a child. My eyes meet your eyes and then I look toward the stars in the sky and in that moment everything stops and I realize that this, is the feeling that I have been longing to experience.**

Time passes and I find myself sitting on a fallen tree, gazing out across the water… daydreaming about a moment in time that was over way too soon; a moment that I fear will never repeat itself.

Some would say that forgiveness is an easy thing.. but it isn’t for someone who has gotten hurt beyond repair. Second chances are not something that I give, but this time… this time I want to. The problem is that trust isn’t something that comes easy for me either. It never has been so I get stuck in this place where I’m trying to learn how to trust, I’m trying to learn how to let go of the doubt and fear that continues to creep into my heart the second that I feel like things are okay.

I look down and I am standing on the bank, on the edge of the water… trying to feel… something. Anything. I have endured so much hurt in my past, and most days I feel numb. I know I am broken. You ask me how you can lift me up from that… All I want to do is tell you that you already had… before. You had slowly pieced together my heart.

I sit down and run my hands over the rocks in front of me, searching for some kind of reminder that will take me back to the way I felt that night here on this bank. As the water flows forward and backwards over the rocks and my hands, I close my eyes and try to fight this fear that has me straddling the line between holding onto hope and letting go.

As tears well up in my eyes I take in a deep breath and I realize that my heart is aching for me to look up and see you walking towards me. The feeling that I seek, hits me hard like a wave as the image of kissing you flashes through my mind. I stand up, open my eyes, and look at the road.. but you aren’t here…

My phone dings and excitement floods me. My screen lights up and the excitement leaves me just as quickly as it came and I step over the edge. I suddenly understand that what I came here looking for was some kind of sign that would tell me that everything will be okay. I came here hoping that the water would wash away my doubts so that the wind could carry away my fears.

But after all.. this isn’t a movie.. And now I realize that it’s the love in your actions that I’m waiting for and I suddenly wish that I had wished upon a star that night.

I let out a sigh as the feeling of foolishness drowns me..


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