The handful of people who really know me inside and out are very aware that one of my biggest flaws is that I think way too much. I over think everything, constantly. My most productive thinking is done in the car or at the dam; in fact I come up with most of my ideas while driving and then the majority of my writing is done on the river bank.
My closest friends and some of my family know that lately I have really been struggling with my love life – or the lack of a love life really. I am definitely a “hopeless romantic” and am truly in love with the idea of love but, lately I have been asking myself what love even is.
I’ve talked to what seems like every guy that exists and there is always something that turns my heart away. Legal matters, guys that are “separated” but still married, guys with commitment issues, guys that have girls, guys that have guys, and guys who don’t know what they want – I mean I could go on with this list forever; which has me thinking that I don’t even know what I want!!
So the other day I was driving home from work, talking to myself (yes you read that right), and I’m running through all of the things that I have always wanted in a man and all of the things that I know for sure through experience, that I do not want. In a matter of seconds it hits me and I realize that I’m focusing my “wants” on the wrong person. What I need is to focus on what I want to find in myself and there it is, after all of these years, I finally see it.
I want to be with someone who brings out not only the best of me – but all of me. I want someone who is like my best friend of nearly twenty years, Brittany. What I mean by that is that I want to be with someone that I can be 100% myself with; someone who knows for instance that I talk to myself and doesn’t judge me. I want to be with someone who knows that I’m weird (and that I’m very weird) but loves me even more because of my weirdness. I do and say some of the most random things that you won’t experience with anyone else and I want someone to fall in love with that part of me. I want to spend my life with someone who witnesses my most blonde moments, or sees me grab a pair of matching socks from the top drawer, intentionally mismatch them, and kisses me with a smile because they find that side of me cute.
Sure, I have always wanted a man who is tall with dark hair and intriguing eyes. A man who is a family man and close to his mother. A dominant man who is a hard worker and no, it isn’t bad to want those things – I know what I am attracted to after all.
Here’s the thing though, those things are not important. Take it from a woman who has taken twenty-seven years to figure this out and trust me. What is important is the way you feel when you’re with someone. I want to be with that guy who makes me let my hair down! That one person that I just can’t stay mad at because he makes me smile even when I want to be stubborn and angry.
So yes, those things that you think you want in a man are fine but, those things shouldn’t be your focus. The day that you look up at the one you’re with and you smile because their eyes are already on you – that feeling that you get in that very moment…
…that’s love and that is what I want above everything else.